Saying Goodbye

I was really tempted to call in sick to work today so I could be at the Queen's final farewell at noon slt today. I want so much to be able to say goodbye properly. I've tried writing a note to the Queen and asked one of the Governesses to pass it on for me. I really hope that wasn't a bad thing to ask. I just feel so frustrated and helpless and didn't know what else to do.

Just in case the Governess isn't able to pass the note on, or if it's just a bad idea to annoy the Queen with a notecard, I'll put my note here ... mostly because it's just something I need to say.

=-=-=

To: Queen Talin
From: Ana

I really really wanted to be here this afternoon to say goodbye properly, but RL simply will not budge to let me get online then. It's probably just as well, since I'd be a soggy mess and it probably wouldn't be proper for a soppy boi to be crying on your shoulder.

Instead, I'm sending you my brightest smile in this message, along with the warmest, biggest hug I have. I'm really going to miss you. Thank you for making a place for me in your kingdom, where I could be myself, where I would be welcome as family rather than a freak.

Thank you ... thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

(((huggles)))

Anastasio Luminos :D

Trying

There are times when things seem impossible, but I try them out anyway, just to see how impossible they really are. That's the reason why I put in a couple of bids for the Domme auction. Even though the bidding eventually went way past what I could afford, I'm still glad gave it a go. Although Yoda might disagree, I've discovered there are times when just the act of trying something can be an enjoyable experience. :)

What Is Sex?

I suppose asking what counts as sex may seem sillly. It may be a very simple, basic question, but it doesn't feel that way to me. For me, it can be a wonderful experience ... except when I panic.

I've been mulling over this question a lot since I had my medical exam after being accepted as a trainee maid. On the surface, there were some things that might be considered sexual, but they didn't really feel that way.

The breast exam felt ... nice. Okay, being touched in an intimate way like that was a little more than just nice. Still, it wasn't a grabby feely thing. I felt like someone really cared for me and wanted to make sure I was okay.

Then there was the ... umm ... probe. Under other circumstances, having someone trying to reach inside me like that would have sent me running, but the doctor and nurse made me feel incredibly safe and protected.

Even under those circumstances, I still started to feel a bit of panic growing when someone's fingers first slid inside. Instead of being told I was overreacting, I was comforted, the proceedure seemed to slow a bit, and my panic faded.

Overall, the experience turned out to be more wonderful than I would have ever imagined. But, was it sex? I'm still not sure.

A Foolish Idea

I'm considering doing something that may be very foolish: bidding in the AYA Domme auction. There's nothing foolish about the auction. It's a great way to help keep AYA going. I just have no idea what I'd do if I actually won.

There is one domme in particular I have a bit of a crush on. Although I find her attractive, the crush doesn't feel sexual. It's more of a desire to be close to her ... maybe even belong.

I know she already has subs and family, and probably wouldn't be able to take on someone else, but even being able to spend a little time with her sounds wonderful.

If she wound up being interested in more than just the one date ... I'm not sure what I'd do. I've tried being a slave. It didn't work. I know being treated like a thing turns some folks on, but it felt awful to me.

Being a pet sounds tempting, but I'm not sure if it'd work. I like being human. I'd briefly tried being a furry. It wasn't bad, but it didn't feel like me.

Is there some other sort of relationship that'd work? I'm not sure. It'd depend a lot on whether or not she'd be interested. It'd also depend a lot on me getting up the nerve to bid, even if it might be a foolish idea.

The Vigil

I had checked my e-mail on Monday afternoon during my last break at work, and found the announcement that we could decorate the Queen's throne. I smiled my first real smile in a while. It felt wonderful to have something else to do besides mope and fret.

I switched on the computer as soon as I got home that night, and signed into Second Life. Once I'd changed into my uniform and checked to make sure I had the right group title, I found my landmark for AYA ... but couldn't click on it. 

For some reason, the idea of seeing the Queen's throne empty felt like it'd be too much to bear. The logical side of me tried to reason away the irrational emotion, but it refused to budge. After a while of fighting with myself, I decided to change and go visit some friends, hoping I'd feel better later.

Spending time with my friends definitely helped. Once I said goodnight to them, I headed back home. It wasn't too bad changing back into my uniform, but I just couldn't bring myself to teleport. 

Feeling like a coward for not being able to face such an obviously unreasonable fear, I logged out and dragged myself to bed. After tossing and turning for a couple of hours, I eventually fell asleep, then drifted into an incredibly vivid dream.

---

I found myself in a huge room, surrounded on all sides by a crowd of eerily quiet people. The air was heavy with the damp, musky scent you get when there's a lot of people close together in an enclosed space. The room looked familiar, but it wasn't until I looked up and saw the shields on the wall that I realized I was in the throne room.

Before I could start wondering how I wound up there, I heard someone sniffling nearby. I turned to find a maid with a drawn, pale face and bloodshot eyes. I wanted to offer some words of comfort, but I knew we were supposed to be quiet. Instead, I reached out to her and gently squeezed her hand. Despite the pain I saw in her eyes, she managed a small smile as she squeezed back.

I heard a soft murmuring near the entrance, then saw the tops of heads starting to move outside. I’d been pretty close to the back of the room where the maids had gathered. I sorta hung back, feeling uneasy, since I wasn’t sure what was going on. The maid who’d smiled at me still held my hand and drew me along with her, so I swallowed my nervousness and got in line.

When I got closer to the entrance, I saw maids on either side of the line. They held up silver trays full of lit white candles in little glass tumblers, and people would pick up a candle as they walked past. Eventually, all the candles were taken. I felt incredibly disappointed, until I realized there had been tiny wicker baskets behind the candles.

Following the example of the maid in front of me, I picked up a basket from one of the trays. Even though it was too dark to see what was inside, I could smell the faint scent of roses. I looked up, and saw the line was heading towards a glass staircase that spiraled up into a moonless sky full of bright stars.

I was expecting the sharp tick of a high-heeled boot on a solid block of glass when the first governess started up the stairs. Instead, there was a clear, echoing chime. As more people ascended, it sounded like the beginning of a song. While not completely coherent, there was still a haunting, lyrical quality to it. If someone could make music that sounded like angels singing, that’s what it would have sounded like.

The climb seemed to take a long time. Although the breeze picked up a little when we got higher, it was very gentle as it swirled around my stockinged legs and played with the crinoline under my skirt. I glanced down at the ground far below, but my normal fear of heights wasn’t there. I felt completely safe and secure in the company of the governesses, mistresses, and my sister maids.

The stairs led up to a dark, grassy area. Nearby was something that looked like a church, but without as much of the spires, arches, and such I'd usually expect. A flickering, golden light was pouring out of the open doorway everyone was walking into.

The first thing I noticed when I walked inside was a set of thrones set on platforms on either side of the center aisle. The thrones were all occupied by governesses. Further in, I could see mistresses sitting in several sets of pews.

I noticed the maid in front of me had moved to one side of the aisle, then reached into her basket and began sprinkling red petals on the ground. I moved to the other side of the aisle, then reached into my basket and began dropping petals behind her. 

When I reached the end of the aisle, I stood there for a moment, feeling awkward and lost. Someone tugged on my arm. I turned and saw a maid kneeling on a white, velvet pillow. There were a couple of rows of pillows, but most of them were already occupied. I found a vacant one near the aisle and quickly kneeled on it with what grace I could manage with the nervousness I felt.

Once I was settled, I looked ahead and saw several steps leading up to a high platform. On the platform was a golden throne with red cushions. Dozens of candles were clustered on either side. I was about to try whispering to the maid beside me to find out what was happening, when I heard people behind me starting to talk.

Before I could turn to see what was going on, I felt someone touch the top of my head. I looked up and saw someone in white armor glance at me before moving on. There was a playful look in her eyes I couldn’t imagine belonging to anyone else. It was the Queen!

---

I woke up crying.

My First D/s Experience

Even though I was eight at the time and had never even heard of dommes or subs, I still count this as my first D/s experience because ... well ... it felt like one to me.

Mom had decided to bring the whole family over to visit a friend of hers. After a while, my mom said we were getting too rambunctious to be playing indoors, and shooed my sibs and I out to the yard. Mom's friend sent her daughter, Amy, out to play with us.

Once we were all outside, Amy said she'd like to play house, and my sister conditionally agreed, so long as she could be the mother. My brother and I protested. He thought it was a dumb game. Even though I didn't say so, I liked it, but hated always getting picked to be the father. Amy broke our tie by saying she got an extra vote, since we were playing at her house. After a bit of grumbling, my brother and I eventually gave in.

Before anyone had a chance to assign roles, I announced I'd be the family dog. I had learned to do this a while ago, since it allowed me to avoid playing any male roles. My sister rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything. My brother was overjoyed, since he could be the father instead of being stuck as the baby.

Amy pondered a moment, then asked, "Could you be my kitty instead of a dog?"

I thought about this for a few seconds. I always had fun being a dog. I could pretend to shed on the couch, chew on shoes, and get into other mischief. Still the new role sounded interesting, so I agreed. The possessive pronoun she'd used slipped right past me.

Amy squealed happily, then said, "I'll be right back," before running into the house.

While she was gone, my brother got into his father role, which meant barking out random orders. My sister said he couldn't tell her what to do, since she was the mother. I was too busy crawling around the yard and trying to figure out how to be a cat to pay attention to him.

I looked up when I heard a screen door slam shut, and saw Amy sitting down on the steps to her back door. She waved to me and said, "C'mere, kitty."

I crawled towards her, then skidded to a stop when she reached out to me with something in her hands. I stared at what she was holding as I asked, "What -- ?"

Before I could finish my sentence, Amy covered my mouth with her fingers and said, "Kitties don't talk."

At first, I was tempted to say they could when you're pretending. On the other hand, communicating without speaking sounded like an interesting challenge. I decided to give it a try, and pawed at what she was holding, then made a meowing sound I hoped sounded like a question.

She knelt in front of me and said, "It's a kitty collar."

It looked more like like a dog collar to me, although I'd never seen a pink one with what looked like tiny diamonds all around it. I sighed with frustration, since I'd actually been trying to ask, "What do you think you're doing?" I mewed again with a slightly different inflection, hoping she'd be able to make a better guess at my question.

Amy frowned, looking a bit worried as she said, "Don't be scared. I promise to be careful. It's just ... you're such a pretty kitty, and I don't want anybody thinking you're a stray and taking you. If you've got a collar, people'll know you're mine and leave you alone."

I was completely overwhelmed. I'd been wishing someone would call me pretty for as long as I could remember. Then there was something I never imagined wanting: belonging. I wouldn't just be the family cat. I'd be Amy's cat.

My trembling arms barely managed to support my weight as I leaned forward and stretched out my neck. Amy slipped the smooth leather collar around my throat, then lifted the back of my hair (I had managed to delay getting my hair cut for several months) before fastening the buckle.

She smiled when I looked up at her, then asked, "Does that feel okay?" Her smile brightened when I nodded, then she stroked the top of my head and said, "Good kitty."

The soft words and gentle touch had an intense effect on me. I felt like I was about to burst with happiness. I knew where I belonged, and who I belonged to. For a moment, everything in the world felt like it was exactly the way it should be.

Respect and Affection

There is a pretty wonderful relationship between the maids of AYA and the governesses and mistresses there. Not only is there a sense of respect that goes both ways, but I've seen affection as well. One of the many ways I've seen this is in shoe kissing.

I first realized this last week when I saw a maid kissing a mistress's shoes. Not only did she use the footkiss animation, but she emoted gently pressing her lips to the mistress's feet. The mistress responded by saying thank you, then stroking the top of the maid's head.

I'm not sure if I can better describe what happened, except to say this was one of the sweetest moments I've ever witnessed, and one of the many reasons I love AYA. :)