Loss and Hope

I had learned about my aunt passing on Tuesday night, but it wasn't until Wednesday morning that the shock wore off. That's when I started crying. I couldn't seem to stop, so I called in sick to work and stayed home.

I wasn't quite as bad on Thursday, but was still feeling awful, so I called in sick again. Later that morning, I had sorta pulled myself togther a little, and decided I could use a bit of company.

I signed onto Second Life and looked through the group announcements that had been collecting over the past few days. I saw something about an event at AYA, and decided it was just what I needed.

One of the nice things about SL is how you can instantly look great with a few mouseclicks, even if you feel and look dreadful in real life. I rooted through my inventory until I found something that would fit the event theme, put my hair up in ribbons, then teleported over.

The warm greetings, both in public chat and private messages had me crying again, but this time it was happy tears. Even though I knew nothing would completely take away the sense of loss, I felt, for the first time in the past few days, a sense of hope for the future.

Long Live the Queen!

How can you love someone you've barely met? I haven't found an answer to that question yet, but I do know I love her Majesty, Queen Talin. How do I know that?

My heart aches every time I think of her leaving.

I knew pretty early on our queen was having health issues. Still, it came as a shock when she announced she'd be leaving SL at the end of the year for health reasons.

I went from giggling and dancing in the ballroom to being slouched in a chair an crying. It wasn't the noisy, bawling kind of crying. There were just tears sliding down my face while my limbs tingled with numbness.

At first, all I could think of was finding a way to convince her to stay. Then I remembered something I've heard a number of times since I joined AYA: real life comes first.

As I was thinking about that, I heard people saying, "Long live AYA!" and, "Long live The Queen!"

It was then I realized how selfish it was to want Queen Talin to remain our queen. She has already given us so much. When she needs to look after her health, that need should be respected.

I also realized, although it would be different with someone else in charge, AYA is strong enough to survive the change. We're more than a bunch of people. We're a family who cares and respects each other.

So, with those thoughts in mind, please join me in saying:

LONG LIVE AYA!

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!

Room at the Table

Imagine walking into a restaurant and noticing a group of co-workers sitting together in a booth. Just as you're about to request a table for yourself, one of your co-workers waves you over. Even though you don't really know anyone there, they seem friendly enough, so you decide to take up the invitation.

As you approach, someone whispers, "Budge over."

The whole group shifts over a bit, leaving a spot for you to sit. A couple people don't look exactly cofortable, but they still invite you to join them. Soon you find yourself connecting with them, and feelings of friendship begin to develope.

That's how I feel about AYA.

I used to identify as a sissy. Then I came to Second Life and discovered that, even though we had similarities, there were some differences that sometimes clashed with how others think about sissies.

One thing that may be at the root of some of that difference is my gender identity. While I do tend to be feminine, I don't identify as female. I identify as male.

This is why I use male pronouns. I'm not sure why, but it seems as if this is seen as unsissylike. Maybe it's seen as expessing male dominance? If that's true, then I hope people will believe me when I say I've never seen males as inherently dominant.

Until a few years ago, I felt the exact opposite was true. It wasn't so much that I didn't see them acting dominant, as it felt strange to see it. It almost felt like I'd slipped into an alternate universe at times.

Despite this and a couple of other differences, I've found acceptance, and even the beginning of friendships at AYA. So, to all you wonderful people, I'd like to offer my heartfelt thanks.

Thank you for making room for me at the table.

First Steps

My first days as a trainee maid at AYA remind me a bit of the first time I tried wearing heels. Even though I was pretty nervous at first, it was something I really wanted to do, so I just sorta took a big breath, gathered up my courage, and did it.

My first steps were pretty shaky, but there were some wonderful people who offered encouraging support and helpful advice. I stumbled a few times, feeling totally embarrassed at my awkwardness. Fortunately, there were people there to lend me a hand and help me get back on my feet.

Even though I know I still have a long way to go, the confidence I've started developing has helped me to hold my head high. I can swing my hips and smile at the world as I say, "I'm a maid of AYA, one of the most awesome sims in Second Life!"

Sunday Surprise

Once I'd turned in my trainee maid application, I logged out of Second Life and headed off to bed. Even though I didn't sleep for very long that night, I felt well rested and more bubbly than usual when I woke up Sunday (07/21/13) morning. I sung in the shower, hummed as I got dressed, and took a couple of skipping steps as I headed out the door. The warm sun seemed to be smiling at me and a gentle wind was caressing my hair as I walked to the supermarket.

After bringing home the groceries and taking care of some other chores, I signed onto Second Life again, and eventually found my way back to the dance club at AYA. To my surprise, a few people seemed to remember me from the night before and welcomed me back. Even though I barely knew anybody there, I felt like I was coming back home.

Time seemed to fly by as I danced (well, my avatar danced, but I was bobbing along in RL as well) and chatted with the others at the club as we listened to some excellent tunes. About halfway through the night, her Grace, Head Governess Kara, called me up to the platform at the far end of the room.

Thinking I might have been drafted into a contest I had missed being announced, I climbed up the steps and stood next to the Head Governess, then did my best not to fidget with nervousness. At first, I wasn't sure I understood correctly when she made an announcement. I scrolled back the text in public chat and looked again. It showed the same thing I thought I saw before.

I'd been accepted as a trainee maid! As people offered their congratulations, her Grace pulled me into a hug. Feeling completely overwhelmed, I started sniffling a bit as I hugged her back. After she let me go, I turned to the people in the club and realized they weren't quite the strangers they had seemed to be at first.

I felt like I was looking at friends ... maybe even more.

The Queen of AYA

After greeting Her Majesty, Queen Talin, ruler of AYA, I'd gone back to dancing. To say I was surprised when she said to approach her would be putting it mildly. My hands were shaking as I made my way through the crowd. Part of that was caused by worry about having done or said something wrong in my greeting, but most of it was simple awe.

I suppose some people might wonder how anyone could be awed by a bunch of pixels. The best explanation I can think of, is that there is some sort of palpable presence about her. This was someone who didn't need to give commands. Her word was more than law, it was what would happen, because she desired it to be so.

I remember her asking me some questions, and answering the best I knew how, but the specifics are a bit of a blur. By the time she had sent be back to dance, it felt like my heart was trying to knock a hole through my ribcage.

I was floating on a cloud of endorphins by the time I found a spot big enough to start a dance animation without bumping into anyone else. The colors of the lights in the dance area seemed more intense, and the music felt more alive than before.

Even after that body chemical rush mellowed and I was more myself again, I still was really enjoying the music and the company, and didn't want it to end. But, like all parties, it eventually did. Once the Queen announce she was leaving, a number of people wished her farewell, then either logged out there or headed off to some other destination.

I was just deciding it might be a good idea to head home myself when the Queen told me to come to her. I stopped at the bottom of the dais, then climbed up when she told me to come closer. Then she told me to kneel before her.

With the way my knees were shaking, it took a bit of will to avoid simply tumbling to the ground. I realize someone reading this might point out that I was most likely sitting at a computer, and they would be right. But, at that moment, the only think I knew was that I was shaking like a leaf while kneeling before royalty.

I really wish I knew all the details of what happened next. It seemed, somehow, the Queen had noticed me, and instructed me to put in an application to be a maid. While I had been toying with the idea earlier, I hadn't gotten up the nerve to do more than think about it.

I could hardly believe the honor she had bestowed on me. I was still kneeling when the audience with her was concluded. Once I realized she was gone, I couldn't remember if the Queen had given me permission to rise, and asked if it was okay.

Someone said it was okay, so I pulled myself to my feet. I was tingling all over, and I'm pretty sure the top of my head would have fallen off if smiled any more. People were congratulating me and telling me what an honor I had received.

At that moment, I felt like the luckiest boi anywhere.

The Beginning

It's been an amazing past few days. My head still feels like it's spinning. It all started this Saturday (07/20/2013) on Second Life. My usual hangouts were either empty, or everybody there was in the middle of IM's with somebody else and wasn't interested in public chat. I was in the mood for exploring, so I opened up the search window and looked up the keyword femboy.

The first few items listed were sex places, which really weren't my thing, so I kept going until I came across the listing for AYA BDSM Sissy Maid Sanctuary. I've sorta had mixed experiences with sissies. For some reason, it seems a fair amount of people expect sissies to all be horny all the time. While I do like affection and intimacy, it's very rare for me to go beyond that, which is why I had stopped referring to myself a sissy a long time ago.

Despite that issue, I've always felt a deep connection with sissies, and decided to head over to AYA to see what it was like there. Like a lot of places in Second Life, some rules for the sim were provided at the landing site when I teleported to the sim. After reading through the notecards, I decided I had enough of a feel for what was acceptable there and walked into what looked like the main building.

It didn't take me long to find a dance party in progress. The music sounded good, plus people were actually talking to each other. Taking that as a good sign that it might be a fun place to hang out, I wandered onto the dance floor and started bopping to the music.

It turned out they were even friendlier than I'd been hoping. Before long, I felt like I was hanging out with family, or at least good acquaintances. I felt a little embarrassed when I guessed the wrong title for the DJ (Governess, not Miss), but overall people were pretty understanding as I tried to get the hang of things.

I'd been there for a fairly long while when I overheard some people mentioning the Queen was there. From reading the notecards earlier, I knew AYA had a queen, but I had sorta imagined her as someone sitting at a throne somewhere than someone I'd actually get to see.

Well, I really only got to see little peeks of her through the crowd. Along with dozens of other people, I offered a greeting to Queen Talin. I had thought that would be the end of my interaction with Her Majesty.

I was wrong.