Saying Goodbye

I was really tempted to call in sick to work today so I could be at the Queen's final farewell at noon slt today. I want so much to be able to say goodbye properly. I've tried writing a note to the Queen and asked one of the Governesses to pass it on for me. I really hope that wasn't a bad thing to ask. I just feel so frustrated and helpless and didn't know what else to do.

Just in case the Governess isn't able to pass the note on, or if it's just a bad idea to annoy the Queen with a notecard, I'll put my note here ... mostly because it's just something I need to say.

=-=-=

To: Queen Talin
From: Ana

I really really wanted to be here this afternoon to say goodbye properly, but RL simply will not budge to let me get online then. It's probably just as well, since I'd be a soggy mess and it probably wouldn't be proper for a soppy boi to be crying on your shoulder.

Instead, I'm sending you my brightest smile in this message, along with the warmest, biggest hug I have. I'm really going to miss you. Thank you for making a place for me in your kingdom, where I could be myself, where I would be welcome as family rather than a freak.

Thank you ... thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

(((huggles)))

Anastasio Luminos :D

Trying

There are times when things seem impossible, but I try them out anyway, just to see how impossible they really are. That's the reason why I put in a couple of bids for the Domme auction. Even though the bidding eventually went way past what I could afford, I'm still glad gave it a go. Although Yoda might disagree, I've discovered there are times when just the act of trying something can be an enjoyable experience. :)

What Is Sex?

I suppose asking what counts as sex may seem sillly. It may be a very simple, basic question, but it doesn't feel that way to me. For me, it can be a wonderful experience ... except when I panic.

I've been mulling over this question a lot since I had my medical exam after being accepted as a trainee maid. On the surface, there were some things that might be considered sexual, but they didn't really feel that way.

The breast exam felt ... nice. Okay, being touched in an intimate way like that was a little more than just nice. Still, it wasn't a grabby feely thing. I felt like someone really cared for me and wanted to make sure I was okay.

Then there was the ... umm ... probe. Under other circumstances, having someone trying to reach inside me like that would have sent me running, but the doctor and nurse made me feel incredibly safe and protected.

Even under those circumstances, I still started to feel a bit of panic growing when someone's fingers first slid inside. Instead of being told I was overreacting, I was comforted, the proceedure seemed to slow a bit, and my panic faded.

Overall, the experience turned out to be more wonderful than I would have ever imagined. But, was it sex? I'm still not sure.

A Foolish Idea

I'm considering doing something that may be very foolish: bidding in the AYA Domme auction. There's nothing foolish about the auction. It's a great way to help keep AYA going. I just have no idea what I'd do if I actually won.

There is one domme in particular I have a bit of a crush on. Although I find her attractive, the crush doesn't feel sexual. It's more of a desire to be close to her ... maybe even belong.

I know she already has subs and family, and probably wouldn't be able to take on someone else, but even being able to spend a little time with her sounds wonderful.

If she wound up being interested in more than just the one date ... I'm not sure what I'd do. I've tried being a slave. It didn't work. I know being treated like a thing turns some folks on, but it felt awful to me.

Being a pet sounds tempting, but I'm not sure if it'd work. I like being human. I'd briefly tried being a furry. It wasn't bad, but it didn't feel like me.

Is there some other sort of relationship that'd work? I'm not sure. It'd depend a lot on whether or not she'd be interested. It'd also depend a lot on me getting up the nerve to bid, even if it might be a foolish idea.

The Vigil

I had checked my e-mail on Monday afternoon during my last break at work, and found the announcement that we could decorate the Queen's throne. I smiled my first real smile in a while. It felt wonderful to have something else to do besides mope and fret.

I switched on the computer as soon as I got home that night, and signed into Second Life. Once I'd changed into my uniform and checked to make sure I had the right group title, I found my landmark for AYA ... but couldn't click on it. 

For some reason, the idea of seeing the Queen's throne empty felt like it'd be too much to bear. The logical side of me tried to reason away the irrational emotion, but it refused to budge. After a while of fighting with myself, I decided to change and go visit some friends, hoping I'd feel better later.

Spending time with my friends definitely helped. Once I said goodnight to them, I headed back home. It wasn't too bad changing back into my uniform, but I just couldn't bring myself to teleport. 

Feeling like a coward for not being able to face such an obviously unreasonable fear, I logged out and dragged myself to bed. After tossing and turning for a couple of hours, I eventually fell asleep, then drifted into an incredibly vivid dream.

---

I found myself in a huge room, surrounded on all sides by a crowd of eerily quiet people. The air was heavy with the damp, musky scent you get when there's a lot of people close together in an enclosed space. The room looked familiar, but it wasn't until I looked up and saw the shields on the wall that I realized I was in the throne room.

Before I could start wondering how I wound up there, I heard someone sniffling nearby. I turned to find a maid with a drawn, pale face and bloodshot eyes. I wanted to offer some words of comfort, but I knew we were supposed to be quiet. Instead, I reached out to her and gently squeezed her hand. Despite the pain I saw in her eyes, she managed a small smile as she squeezed back.

I heard a soft murmuring near the entrance, then saw the tops of heads starting to move outside. I’d been pretty close to the back of the room where the maids had gathered. I sorta hung back, feeling uneasy, since I wasn’t sure what was going on. The maid who’d smiled at me still held my hand and drew me along with her, so I swallowed my nervousness and got in line.

When I got closer to the entrance, I saw maids on either side of the line. They held up silver trays full of lit white candles in little glass tumblers, and people would pick up a candle as they walked past. Eventually, all the candles were taken. I felt incredibly disappointed, until I realized there had been tiny wicker baskets behind the candles.

Following the example of the maid in front of me, I picked up a basket from one of the trays. Even though it was too dark to see what was inside, I could smell the faint scent of roses. I looked up, and saw the line was heading towards a glass staircase that spiraled up into a moonless sky full of bright stars.

I was expecting the sharp tick of a high-heeled boot on a solid block of glass when the first governess started up the stairs. Instead, there was a clear, echoing chime. As more people ascended, it sounded like the beginning of a song. While not completely coherent, there was still a haunting, lyrical quality to it. If someone could make music that sounded like angels singing, that’s what it would have sounded like.

The climb seemed to take a long time. Although the breeze picked up a little when we got higher, it was very gentle as it swirled around my stockinged legs and played with the crinoline under my skirt. I glanced down at the ground far below, but my normal fear of heights wasn’t there. I felt completely safe and secure in the company of the governesses, mistresses, and my sister maids.

The stairs led up to a dark, grassy area. Nearby was something that looked like a church, but without as much of the spires, arches, and such I'd usually expect. A flickering, golden light was pouring out of the open doorway everyone was walking into.

The first thing I noticed when I walked inside was a set of thrones set on platforms on either side of the center aisle. The thrones were all occupied by governesses. Further in, I could see mistresses sitting in several sets of pews.

I noticed the maid in front of me had moved to one side of the aisle, then reached into her basket and began sprinkling red petals on the ground. I moved to the other side of the aisle, then reached into my basket and began dropping petals behind her. 

When I reached the end of the aisle, I stood there for a moment, feeling awkward and lost. Someone tugged on my arm. I turned and saw a maid kneeling on a white, velvet pillow. There were a couple of rows of pillows, but most of them were already occupied. I found a vacant one near the aisle and quickly kneeled on it with what grace I could manage with the nervousness I felt.

Once I was settled, I looked ahead and saw several steps leading up to a high platform. On the platform was a golden throne with red cushions. Dozens of candles were clustered on either side. I was about to try whispering to the maid beside me to find out what was happening, when I heard people behind me starting to talk.

Before I could turn to see what was going on, I felt someone touch the top of my head. I looked up and saw someone in white armor glance at me before moving on. There was a playful look in her eyes I couldn’t imagine belonging to anyone else. It was the Queen!

---

I woke up crying.

My First D/s Experience

Even though I was eight at the time and had never even heard of dommes or subs, I still count this as my first D/s experience because ... well ... it felt like one to me.

Mom had decided to bring the whole family over to visit a friend of hers. After a while, my mom said we were getting too rambunctious to be playing indoors, and shooed my sibs and I out to the yard. Mom's friend sent her daughter, Amy, out to play with us.

Once we were all outside, Amy said she'd like to play house, and my sister conditionally agreed, so long as she could be the mother. My brother and I protested. He thought it was a dumb game. Even though I didn't say so, I liked it, but hated always getting picked to be the father. Amy broke our tie by saying she got an extra vote, since we were playing at her house. After a bit of grumbling, my brother and I eventually gave in.

Before anyone had a chance to assign roles, I announced I'd be the family dog. I had learned to do this a while ago, since it allowed me to avoid playing any male roles. My sister rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything. My brother was overjoyed, since he could be the father instead of being stuck as the baby.

Amy pondered a moment, then asked, "Could you be my kitty instead of a dog?"

I thought about this for a few seconds. I always had fun being a dog. I could pretend to shed on the couch, chew on shoes, and get into other mischief. Still the new role sounded interesting, so I agreed. The possessive pronoun she'd used slipped right past me.

Amy squealed happily, then said, "I'll be right back," before running into the house.

While she was gone, my brother got into his father role, which meant barking out random orders. My sister said he couldn't tell her what to do, since she was the mother. I was too busy crawling around the yard and trying to figure out how to be a cat to pay attention to him.

I looked up when I heard a screen door slam shut, and saw Amy sitting down on the steps to her back door. She waved to me and said, "C'mere, kitty."

I crawled towards her, then skidded to a stop when she reached out to me with something in her hands. I stared at what she was holding as I asked, "What -- ?"

Before I could finish my sentence, Amy covered my mouth with her fingers and said, "Kitties don't talk."

At first, I was tempted to say they could when you're pretending. On the other hand, communicating without speaking sounded like an interesting challenge. I decided to give it a try, and pawed at what she was holding, then made a meowing sound I hoped sounded like a question.

She knelt in front of me and said, "It's a kitty collar."

It looked more like like a dog collar to me, although I'd never seen a pink one with what looked like tiny diamonds all around it. I sighed with frustration, since I'd actually been trying to ask, "What do you think you're doing?" I mewed again with a slightly different inflection, hoping she'd be able to make a better guess at my question.

Amy frowned, looking a bit worried as she said, "Don't be scared. I promise to be careful. It's just ... you're such a pretty kitty, and I don't want anybody thinking you're a stray and taking you. If you've got a collar, people'll know you're mine and leave you alone."

I was completely overwhelmed. I'd been wishing someone would call me pretty for as long as I could remember. Then there was something I never imagined wanting: belonging. I wouldn't just be the family cat. I'd be Amy's cat.

My trembling arms barely managed to support my weight as I leaned forward and stretched out my neck. Amy slipped the smooth leather collar around my throat, then lifted the back of my hair (I had managed to delay getting my hair cut for several months) before fastening the buckle.

She smiled when I looked up at her, then asked, "Does that feel okay?" Her smile brightened when I nodded, then she stroked the top of my head and said, "Good kitty."

The soft words and gentle touch had an intense effect on me. I felt like I was about to burst with happiness. I knew where I belonged, and who I belonged to. For a moment, everything in the world felt like it was exactly the way it should be.

Respect and Affection

There is a pretty wonderful relationship between the maids of AYA and the governesses and mistresses there. Not only is there a sense of respect that goes both ways, but I've seen affection as well. One of the many ways I've seen this is in shoe kissing.

I first realized this last week when I saw a maid kissing a mistress's shoes. Not only did she use the footkiss animation, but she emoted gently pressing her lips to the mistress's feet. The mistress responded by saying thank you, then stroking the top of the maid's head.

I'm not sure if I can better describe what happened, except to say this was one of the sweetest moments I've ever witnessed, and one of the many reasons I love AYA. :)

Loss and Hope

I had learned about my aunt passing on Tuesday night, but it wasn't until Wednesday morning that the shock wore off. That's when I started crying. I couldn't seem to stop, so I called in sick to work and stayed home.

I wasn't quite as bad on Thursday, but was still feeling awful, so I called in sick again. Later that morning, I had sorta pulled myself togther a little, and decided I could use a bit of company.

I signed onto Second Life and looked through the group announcements that had been collecting over the past few days. I saw something about an event at AYA, and decided it was just what I needed.

One of the nice things about SL is how you can instantly look great with a few mouseclicks, even if you feel and look dreadful in real life. I rooted through my inventory until I found something that would fit the event theme, put my hair up in ribbons, then teleported over.

The warm greetings, both in public chat and private messages had me crying again, but this time it was happy tears. Even though I knew nothing would completely take away the sense of loss, I felt, for the first time in the past few days, a sense of hope for the future.

Long Live the Queen!

How can you love someone you've barely met? I haven't found an answer to that question yet, but I do know I love her Majesty, Queen Talin. How do I know that?

My heart aches every time I think of her leaving.

I knew pretty early on our queen was having health issues. Still, it came as a shock when she announced she'd be leaving SL at the end of the year for health reasons.

I went from giggling and dancing in the ballroom to being slouched in a chair an crying. It wasn't the noisy, bawling kind of crying. There were just tears sliding down my face while my limbs tingled with numbness.

At first, all I could think of was finding a way to convince her to stay. Then I remembered something I've heard a number of times since I joined AYA: real life comes first.

As I was thinking about that, I heard people saying, "Long live AYA!" and, "Long live The Queen!"

It was then I realized how selfish it was to want Queen Talin to remain our queen. She has already given us so much. When she needs to look after her health, that need should be respected.

I also realized, although it would be different with someone else in charge, AYA is strong enough to survive the change. We're more than a bunch of people. We're a family who cares and respects each other.

So, with those thoughts in mind, please join me in saying:

LONG LIVE AYA!

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!

Room at the Table

Imagine walking into a restaurant and noticing a group of co-workers sitting together in a booth. Just as you're about to request a table for yourself, one of your co-workers waves you over. Even though you don't really know anyone there, they seem friendly enough, so you decide to take up the invitation.

As you approach, someone whispers, "Budge over."

The whole group shifts over a bit, leaving a spot for you to sit. A couple people don't look exactly cofortable, but they still invite you to join them. Soon you find yourself connecting with them, and feelings of friendship begin to develope.

That's how I feel about AYA.

I used to identify as a sissy. Then I came to Second Life and discovered that, even though we had similarities, there were some differences that sometimes clashed with how others think about sissies.

One thing that may be at the root of some of that difference is my gender identity. While I do tend to be feminine, I don't identify as female. I identify as male.

This is why I use male pronouns. I'm not sure why, but it seems as if this is seen as unsissylike. Maybe it's seen as expessing male dominance? If that's true, then I hope people will believe me when I say I've never seen males as inherently dominant.

Until a few years ago, I felt the exact opposite was true. It wasn't so much that I didn't see them acting dominant, as it felt strange to see it. It almost felt like I'd slipped into an alternate universe at times.

Despite this and a couple of other differences, I've found acceptance, and even the beginning of friendships at AYA. So, to all you wonderful people, I'd like to offer my heartfelt thanks.

Thank you for making room for me at the table.

First Steps

My first days as a trainee maid at AYA remind me a bit of the first time I tried wearing heels. Even though I was pretty nervous at first, it was something I really wanted to do, so I just sorta took a big breath, gathered up my courage, and did it.

My first steps were pretty shaky, but there were some wonderful people who offered encouraging support and helpful advice. I stumbled a few times, feeling totally embarrassed at my awkwardness. Fortunately, there were people there to lend me a hand and help me get back on my feet.

Even though I know I still have a long way to go, the confidence I've started developing has helped me to hold my head high. I can swing my hips and smile at the world as I say, "I'm a maid of AYA, one of the most awesome sims in Second Life!"

Sunday Surprise

Once I'd turned in my trainee maid application, I logged out of Second Life and headed off to bed. Even though I didn't sleep for very long that night, I felt well rested and more bubbly than usual when I woke up Sunday (07/21/13) morning. I sung in the shower, hummed as I got dressed, and took a couple of skipping steps as I headed out the door. The warm sun seemed to be smiling at me and a gentle wind was caressing my hair as I walked to the supermarket.

After bringing home the groceries and taking care of some other chores, I signed onto Second Life again, and eventually found my way back to the dance club at AYA. To my surprise, a few people seemed to remember me from the night before and welcomed me back. Even though I barely knew anybody there, I felt like I was coming back home.

Time seemed to fly by as I danced (well, my avatar danced, but I was bobbing along in RL as well) and chatted with the others at the club as we listened to some excellent tunes. About halfway through the night, her Grace, Head Governess Kara, called me up to the platform at the far end of the room.

Thinking I might have been drafted into a contest I had missed being announced, I climbed up the steps and stood next to the Head Governess, then did my best not to fidget with nervousness. At first, I wasn't sure I understood correctly when she made an announcement. I scrolled back the text in public chat and looked again. It showed the same thing I thought I saw before.

I'd been accepted as a trainee maid! As people offered their congratulations, her Grace pulled me into a hug. Feeling completely overwhelmed, I started sniffling a bit as I hugged her back. After she let me go, I turned to the people in the club and realized they weren't quite the strangers they had seemed to be at first.

I felt like I was looking at friends ... maybe even more.

The Queen of AYA

After greeting Her Majesty, Queen Talin, ruler of AYA, I'd gone back to dancing. To say I was surprised when she said to approach her would be putting it mildly. My hands were shaking as I made my way through the crowd. Part of that was caused by worry about having done or said something wrong in my greeting, but most of it was simple awe.

I suppose some people might wonder how anyone could be awed by a bunch of pixels. The best explanation I can think of, is that there is some sort of palpable presence about her. This was someone who didn't need to give commands. Her word was more than law, it was what would happen, because she desired it to be so.

I remember her asking me some questions, and answering the best I knew how, but the specifics are a bit of a blur. By the time she had sent be back to dance, it felt like my heart was trying to knock a hole through my ribcage.

I was floating on a cloud of endorphins by the time I found a spot big enough to start a dance animation without bumping into anyone else. The colors of the lights in the dance area seemed more intense, and the music felt more alive than before.

Even after that body chemical rush mellowed and I was more myself again, I still was really enjoying the music and the company, and didn't want it to end. But, like all parties, it eventually did. Once the Queen announce she was leaving, a number of people wished her farewell, then either logged out there or headed off to some other destination.

I was just deciding it might be a good idea to head home myself when the Queen told me to come to her. I stopped at the bottom of the dais, then climbed up when she told me to come closer. Then she told me to kneel before her.

With the way my knees were shaking, it took a bit of will to avoid simply tumbling to the ground. I realize someone reading this might point out that I was most likely sitting at a computer, and they would be right. But, at that moment, the only think I knew was that I was shaking like a leaf while kneeling before royalty.

I really wish I knew all the details of what happened next. It seemed, somehow, the Queen had noticed me, and instructed me to put in an application to be a maid. While I had been toying with the idea earlier, I hadn't gotten up the nerve to do more than think about it.

I could hardly believe the honor she had bestowed on me. I was still kneeling when the audience with her was concluded. Once I realized she was gone, I couldn't remember if the Queen had given me permission to rise, and asked if it was okay.

Someone said it was okay, so I pulled myself to my feet. I was tingling all over, and I'm pretty sure the top of my head would have fallen off if smiled any more. People were congratulating me and telling me what an honor I had received.

At that moment, I felt like the luckiest boi anywhere.

The Beginning

It's been an amazing past few days. My head still feels like it's spinning. It all started this Saturday (07/20/2013) on Second Life. My usual hangouts were either empty, or everybody there was in the middle of IM's with somebody else and wasn't interested in public chat. I was in the mood for exploring, so I opened up the search window and looked up the keyword femboy.

The first few items listed were sex places, which really weren't my thing, so I kept going until I came across the listing for AYA BDSM Sissy Maid Sanctuary. I've sorta had mixed experiences with sissies. For some reason, it seems a fair amount of people expect sissies to all be horny all the time. While I do like affection and intimacy, it's very rare for me to go beyond that, which is why I had stopped referring to myself a sissy a long time ago.

Despite that issue, I've always felt a deep connection with sissies, and decided to head over to AYA to see what it was like there. Like a lot of places in Second Life, some rules for the sim were provided at the landing site when I teleported to the sim. After reading through the notecards, I decided I had enough of a feel for what was acceptable there and walked into what looked like the main building.

It didn't take me long to find a dance party in progress. The music sounded good, plus people were actually talking to each other. Taking that as a good sign that it might be a fun place to hang out, I wandered onto the dance floor and started bopping to the music.

It turned out they were even friendlier than I'd been hoping. Before long, I felt like I was hanging out with family, or at least good acquaintances. I felt a little embarrassed when I guessed the wrong title for the DJ (Governess, not Miss), but overall people were pretty understanding as I tried to get the hang of things.

I'd been there for a fairly long while when I overheard some people mentioning the Queen was there. From reading the notecards earlier, I knew AYA had a queen, but I had sorta imagined her as someone sitting at a throne somewhere than someone I'd actually get to see.

Well, I really only got to see little peeks of her through the crowd. Along with dozens of other people, I offered a greeting to Queen Talin. I had thought that would be the end of my interaction with Her Majesty.

I was wrong.